Usually this wouldn't be a big deal. It might even be a little cute because it's my daughter's name, even spelled the same. Katherine. But it was a big deal. It stopped me in my tracks. There I was, standing in front of this dried out Christmas tree with tears in my eyes. You see, this ornament is from my Aunt Lynn. Katherine Lynn was born and named 3 days after my Aunt Lynn unexpectedly passed away. (And here I am, crying while I type.)
This has actually happened a lot over the past 21 months. (I will forever know how long it's been because it's Katherine's age.) It hasn't happened often as it did 21 months ago, but every once in a while I'll find something that reminds me of Lynn or something that Lynn gave me, or, even worse, the time I saw someone that looked and walked just like her, and I'm again slapped with the reality that she's gone. That I can't call her. That she isn't in her downtown condo anymore. That Thanksgiving will be at my house because she's no longer here to host it. That she never got to visit my new house... or meet my youngest child that is named after her. (Many, many more tears.)
I know many of us are walking around with the pain of loss. It's definitely one of those things we try to stuff deep down and keep a lid on so that we aren't crying in the parking lot of Panera. (Yeah, that happened.) I don't know how you deal with this kind of thing, but I haven't talked much about it, mostly because it makes me cry and I hate crying in front of people. I've posted a few things on Facebook and Instagram at appropriate moments like Thanksgiving or on the anniversary of her death. Why is that? Probably because I don't want anyone to think I'm a hot mess. (Enter that social media image I don't want to tarnish.) But if you're in my "circle of trust", you know this has been difficult for me, it catches me by surprise and as painful as it is, I don't want the reminders to disappear and it's the sharing and talking about it that helps. It helps me, it helps others, it creates connections and builds relationships.
Below is what I wrote for for Lynn's memorial service:
"Do I have great memories of my Aunt Lynn? Of course. Sensational stories of times spent with her? Sure. But those aren't the things that first come to mind when I think of Lynn. I think of the way she naturally shared what she felt was important for me to know about life, fairness, responsibility and family. I never felt lectured or talked down to. She had a wonderful way of bringing these to me in everyday conversation. I'm sure there were plenty of times she thought I didn't understand what she was saying or that her point went over my head because I opened my immature mouth to prove just that. But she never voiced that and never made me feel like my opinion was juvenile or inferior. She would just patiently wait for another opportunity to share again with me.
Lynn always gave her support. Whether it was my elementary school concerts and college voice recitals or helping me make decisions to find a job after college; from being there to share in the joy of getting my driver's license to moving to the city, or marrying my husband and the the births of our children and everything between and beyond, I knew Lynn had confidence in me and would do anything she could to help.
I also think of her as a pillar of strength. She had an amazing way to remain calm, focused and sensible in some of the most difficult circumstances. I knew I could count on her for sound advice. I knew she would be there if I needed her.
She was my friend. She listened. She cared. She was thoughtful, giving, fun to be with, and there through good times and bad. She shared her life with me and wanted to share in mine.
All these things are why my husband and I are proud to name our daughter, only 3 days old, Katherine Lynn. May she grow up to be as strong, supportive, caring and sensible as my Aunt Lynn."
"Do I have great memories of my Aunt Lynn? Of course. Sensational stories of times spent with her? Sure. But those aren't the things that first come to mind when I think of Lynn. I think of the way she naturally shared what she felt was important for me to know about life, fairness, responsibility and family. I never felt lectured or talked down to. She had a wonderful way of bringing these to me in everyday conversation. I'm sure there were plenty of times she thought I didn't understand what she was saying or that her point went over my head because I opened my immature mouth to prove just that. But she never voiced that and never made me feel like my opinion was juvenile or inferior. She would just patiently wait for another opportunity to share again with me.
Lynn always gave her support. Whether it was my elementary school concerts and college voice recitals or helping me make decisions to find a job after college; from being there to share in the joy of getting my driver's license to moving to the city, or marrying my husband and the the births of our children and everything between and beyond, I knew Lynn had confidence in me and would do anything she could to help.
I also think of her as a pillar of strength. She had an amazing way to remain calm, focused and sensible in some of the most difficult circumstances. I knew I could count on her for sound advice. I knew she would be there if I needed her.
She was my friend. She listened. She cared. She was thoughtful, giving, fun to be with, and there through good times and bad. She shared her life with me and wanted to share in mine.
All these things are why my husband and I are proud to name our daughter, only 3 days old, Katherine Lynn. May she grow up to be as strong, supportive, caring and sensible as my Aunt Lynn."
Lynn holding my son, Kaden, who was only a few hours old.
I can't tell you how much I cherish this picture.
For more Unedited Life Project photos and commentary, follow @uneditedlifeproject on Instagram or visit www.instagram.com/uneditedlifeproject
I can't tell you how much I cherish this picture.
For more Unedited Life Project photos and commentary, follow @uneditedlifeproject on Instagram or visit www.instagram.com/uneditedlifeproject
